You may like to think of yourself as a rational being, but, in reality, your life is motivated by emotions. Emotions upset you, drive you, intimidate you, and inspire you. They motivate decisions, move you to action, or paralyze you in anxiety, stress, and fear. They are the basis of your best memories and the bond that creates deep connections with others. In this article, we'll explore four principles for skillfully working with your emotions and three tips to handle intense feelings such as anxiety, anger, and sadness when they threaten to overwhelm you.
Emotions are volatile. You can feel anxious one moment, angry the next, and then have waves of sadness flood through you seemingly out of nowhere. Because they can take you on such wild rides, it's natural to be somewhat wary of strong emotions - and do what you can to avoid them or keep them at bay.
You've seen what can happen when so-called "negative" emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness overwhelm you or others. You have memories of unskillful expressions of these feelings you wish you could forget. Images of emotional trauma are stored deep in your subconscious, warning you to be wary when you feel these emotions yourself or witness them in other people. Just thinking about these emotions makes you feel vulnerable.
In the face of vulnerable feelings, a more rational approach may feel safer. It's easier to focus on your thoughts and not venture into the scary world of feelings. Yet, reason has its limits. You may think you are more rational than you really are. While you can rationally weigh alternatives or consider different thoughts, the final "Yes this" and "Not that" arises from what "feels right." Even if you're focused on thinking instead of feeling, in the end, your decisions and actions are based on your "gut feelings."
Because emotions are so powerfully connected to decisions and actions, as well as being linked to threatening memories and your most powerful inspirations and interpersonal connections, it's important to learn how to handle them skillfully. Let's explore four principles for relating to emotions in a mindful, intentional, and empowered way. Practicing these principles grows your Emotional Intelligence, which is a skillset for handling emotions well.
Four Principles to Handle Emotions Skillfully
1. The only way out of an emotion is through it.
While your first inclination when you feel overwhelmed by uncomfortable feelings, such as fear, anger, and sadness, may be to distract yourself, downplay the feeling, or run away, this only causes emotions to go underground, into your subconscious, where they're stored as tension in your body, eat away at your peace of mind, and eventually surface as illness. Repressed emotions are the basis of compulsions and bad habits, as well as the source of overwhelm and flareups in relationships. You need to address them.
Emotions arise to give you specific information on what is happening inside you, around you, and with others-and this information will stick with you until it's acknowledged and heeded. So, it's important to shift your perspective from fear of emotions to seeing them as helpful guides. Emotions arise with information you need about your life and the energy to take action on this information. So, the number one principle of skillfully handling emotions is to stop ignoring them and pay attention to what they have to show you.
You can begin by paying attention to how you feel, in your body, right now. What are the sensations going on inside your skin? Especially, notice any areas of current discomfort, as these hold important clues to what you need to know and do now.
If you're not accustomed to checking in like this, you might not feel much at all or you may feel strong aversion to feeling discomfort. That's OK. Stay with it. Stay present with whatever feeling or lack of feeling is there. Attention to feelings takes practice. It's a real skill you can learn. Remember, if you don't pay attention to what your emotions are trying to tell you, they get stuck on repeat and keep cycling through you.
2. Mindfulness of what you feel shifts your relationship to it.
Mindfulness is paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment. When intense feelings arise, instead of immediately trying to do something about them, take time to witness, listen to, and feel them. This act of mindfulness brings new neural connections into your habitual emotional patterns which enables them to shift. You bring a layer of awareness to your emotions which changes how they affect you.
Mindfulness releases you from being "gripped by" your emotions in a way that "takes you over." You gain freedom and space within and around the feelings you "have," by realizing that feelings do not define "who you are." They are simply information about what is happening inside you, around you, and with others.
3. Emotions come and go.
Knowing that all feelings are transient is reassuring when emotions run strongly or cycle repetitively. Emotions arise with a purpose and recede as you discover their message and use their energy appropriately. When you shine the light of awareness on your emotions, you can see what they have to show you, take appropriate action, and allow them to release.
4. Every emotion carries a message.
Once you've tuned into the sensation of an emotion in your body, ask it what message it has for you. What is this feeling telling you about how you are relating to a situation, to yourself, and with others?
Given this information, what action would be helpful for yourself and others? Just notice what comes to mind.
Because we aren't generally taught to recognize the meaning in emotions, we often miss, ignore, or avoid their messages. When we do this, emotional energy builds into overblown high drama to get our attention. It's as if our emotions say, "O.K. you didn't get the message in my civil indoor voice, so I'm going to yell it at you." You then feel extreme anger, overwhelming sadness, or anxiety that is through the roof.
When emotion has amped up to that point, it can be helpful to bring it down a notch to a manageable level. A few simple actions can help you do this.
3 Tips to Handle Intense Emotions
1. Pause, close your eyes, and take a few slow, deep, gentle breaths.
Stop what you are doing, close your eyes, and focus on slow, deep, gentle breathing, in and out through your nose. Closing your eyes and engaging in this type of breathing activates your body's natural relaxation response, which helps dissipate the pressure, energy, and intensity of strong emotions.
2. Feel the sensation of the emotion in your body.
Notice where the emotion is located in your body. Feel the quality of sensation there. Noticing feelings as sensations helps you witness them more objectively, so you gain space from what you are feeling.
3. Adopt the mindful perspective of a curious observer and query the emotion as if it is a friend who wants to tell you something important.
Remember that Mindfulness means paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment. With this attitude, ask your emotion questions, as if it is a friend who is trying to give you valuable information and you are a scientist seeking discovery.
When you follow these tips, you shift your perspective and take the "over-the-top" intense edge off of what you are feeling. Extreme anger can downshift to a firm "no," intense sadness can mellow into "letting go," and high anxiety can settle into a motivating spur to action.
Once a feeling has downshifted in intensity, it is easier to listen to it, feel it, and respond appropriately. You can take action to address the current situation. You can set boundaries, release what no longer serves you, and prepare for uncertain situations.
The bottom line is that, rather than fearing the emotional intensity of fear, anger, and sadness, see if you can move toward these feelings with a mindful, curious attitude. As you do this, notice how they shift and guide you to what you need to do right now.
